She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
