he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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