just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
