gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
