my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
