I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
