i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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