this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
