Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
where are my pants?
in the oven.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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