The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
