Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
