So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
