drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
