I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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