everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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