$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
