she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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