Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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