I just made out with a guy for $7.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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