This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
