I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
