And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
