you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
home. puking in laundry basket.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
