After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
