I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
