I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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