mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
