Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
