How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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