I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
