my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
