omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's shark week go big or go home
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
