I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She even gives head with a lisp.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
