only if we run a train.
done.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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