When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think your dad took our porno
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
