so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
