Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
