When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
two words...techno handjob
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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