you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
