Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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