i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
