I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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