I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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