Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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