there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
