I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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