Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
