i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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