Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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