You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
